The negative stories you are telling yourself…

Negativity has effected me a lot in recent years, I feel I have become more susceptible to it which means I focus on it a lot, now I don’t remember this being such a big deal to me when I was younger so where has this come from? This has been on my mind a lot, talking to my spiritual life coach a few weeks ago, she pointed out that the reason why some traits effect you so much is because actually they are within you. I thought about this, I thought am I negative and on reflection, I realised I have been telling myself many many negative stories in recent years and if I think about where they come from, it is all based on fears. I have become so scared of things when actually I have absolutely nothing to fear. In my younger years, I had this deep unsaid belief, it kept me positive and happy but things happen in your life that lead you to question and I think a massive part of the fears I have comes from loosing faith. I can even pinpoint the time when I first realised I lost my faith, it came from things not working out like I planned, this is part of the reason why I fear making plans (another fear), the thing is, when you loose faith/belief, getting it back is a real journey, you have to keep going inwards but the thing about when I lost it, what I realised is, the faith wasn’t actually based on anything in the first place. In those days, I used to just accept everything that was told to me and I just believed it, so when it went and had to bring it back, I didn’t actually know where to go to find it again, so in some ways, I had to start from scratch. Building foundations and re-educating myself about the basics but instead of turning to religion, like I had before, a lot of those answers actually came from spirituality and the very simple concepts that we are all souls, we are all light, we are all energy, our true nature is peace, love and joy and these are always there within us, we can stay connected to ourselves through meditation, the universe will guide us if we just trust it so on and so forth. Now I am still working on finding myself but I feel more confident that this time its a lot more real, it makes more sense and feels more authentic.

Can you relate to any of this? What negative stories are you telling yourself?


Invest in yourself

We are so quick to spend money on expensive brands, I have heard my sister say ‘Oh that £1000 channel bag I bought is an investment’ and I myself have done and thought the same. But what I haven’t ever done is invest in my own brand, invest in my inner self, invest in my soul.

Money to me in very precious and it often takes a long time for me to spend it, questioning if I should or shouldn’t and sometimes deciding the latter because I feel like I can do without. Like what I am spending on isn’t worth it, what I have realised is the only time I will spend freely is if it gives me a deep and memorable experience, if it is something tangible, that I will be able to hold close to me forever, this means at time, I have missed out. This delicate relationship with money and the need to hold back stems from a scary childhood experience, this experience has never left me and is now the reason I feel the need to always save, have a pot just in case and at time won’t spend freely – now thats a whole different issue I need to work on.

Anyway the point is, if we can invest in luxuries like handbags, clothes and even meals out, why can’t we invest in ourselves? Why can’t we spend money on improving our inner selves, our spiritual selves and not feel bad about it, isn’t this something that will remain close to our heart, something that will stay with us forever, the answer is a very big YES, so why don’t you invest in yourself, in your inner self, get some help, get some guidance and even if you have you have to pay for it, aren’t you worth it?

Being in your own company

There was a time when I couldn’t be on my own, I would always need to be around people, doing things with friends and family but over the years, I learnt slowly by slowly to start enjoying doing things on my own which was a massive achievement for me. However after moving city, I realised, this is not actually being alone. Being alone is being able to be in your own company day in and day out when there is nothing else going on and no one else around. What’s made me reflect on this? My journey to work! My journey to work used to involve sitting on a train surrounded by people, some happy, some sad, some totally oblivious but there was still some human interaction. My journey to work now involves a 40 minute drive on my own, surrounded by my own thoughts, feelings and emotions. This has made me realise even more how important it is to be ok with being alone and accepting yourself because if you can’t be in a good place at this point, it impacts everything. I have spent so much time surrounding myself with people that I have never really realised what its like to surround myself with myself. That’s a massive realisation! And it’s taken time to settle into this idea and I can’t lie by saying its always easy, I am fortunate to have a beautiful scenic smooth drive but there may be a time when I am not so lucky and that is why I feel it so important to be happy within myself, not rely on anyone else to contribute to this, something I am working on consistently. It forces me to go within a lot, ask how I am feeling and why, to be honest, it take a lot of work and I think its is well over due.

Its funny, I feel like this light bulb moment has only come about because I am more aware of myself and because of the big change in my life. They say change is good and actually, I feel if I can get this right, if I can learn to just be and be happy with who I am, it’ll have a positive effect on each area of my life, so as always, I will keep persevering.

Do you enjoy being in your own company? Can you be alone on your own? If not, why not?

I am worthy. I am enough.

I have been really trying to reflect more and yesterday, it dawned on me that many times in my life when I should have been welcoming amazing things that the universe sent me, instead I didn’t think I was worthy of them, so I pushed them away. I asked myself why I felt this way and I honestly have no idea but as always, it must have stemmed from past experiences. Its so sad how experiences stop us from living a great life. ‘I am enough’, ‘I am worthy’ are 2 things I am trying to tell myself daily but its hard to tell yourself something when for so long you haven’t truly believed it but I am determined, determined not to push good things away anymore, determined to attract things to me that I truly deserve. I wish there was a place you could go to and delete all the negative past experiences that have conditioned your behaviour, thoughts and feelings but then I guess its those experiences, positive or negative that have actually helped to get me here today and that I must be grateful for.

Things I love about myself

I think we all need to practice more self love. Finding love in others is easy and so is others seeing why they love you but what about finding love within yourself? I know for a fact I don’t love myself enough, I can put on a face and act like I am the most happy/confident person I know but deep down the story is different, so I decided to look at myself more and try to find things I love about myself, let me tell you, it wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. So what do I love about myself?

  • I love my long legs. I have photos of me as a child where my torso looks a quarter of the size of my legs but growing up, I feel this has actually been a gift and I proudly wear heels to make them look even longer.
  • I love my determination. I have had many people tell me how determined I am but I hadn’t really noticed it myself but when I put my mind to something, I am so determined to get there and I love being this way.
  • I love my shoulders. I have known this one for a while and I know the kind of clothes that will help to show off this part of my body, which of course I take advantage of.
  • I love my drive and motivation. On good days, I have such great focus, I get so much done, I have always motivated myself and driven myself and I have a lot of get up and go which makes me so proud.
  • I love my lips. My sister always teased me about my lips, lets say they are slightly bigger than the average but actually that is an asset and think of all the money I am saving on surgery.
  • I love my ability to love. The fact I love so much and so quickly has always worked for me, I have wonderful friends, family and a husband and I know I have drawn these to me because of the love I give. When I meet people, I have to share how I feel, this actually comes from not saying it enough to a loved one when I was 16, that was when I decided to change myself and make sure I always shared my love if I felt it.
  • I love how fast I learn. Being a fast learner is such a gift, I am so proud to say I learn fast, this doesn’t just help in an educational setting but in everyday life, it also massively helped when I changed career and retrained without going back to study and it helps me everyday.

I will stop there! I always thought loving yourself was arrogant but the problem is, if you don’t love yourself, how can you expect others to?

So what do you love about yourself?

Accepting your truth

Some days I wake up feeling irritated with all kinds of emotions that come from I don’t know where and when you don’t know where they come from or why, how are you supposed to fix them?

I wrote a few weeks ago about a trigger for the sadness but what do you do when there is no trigger? Today was one of those days, I woke up after a night of battling with bad sleep (which is never a good way to wake up) and I was irritated, I felt emotional and angry and trapped and lost all at the same time. Although I don’t know what to do when I feel this way, I have identified how difficult I can be when I project these feelings on to others.

I had gone out to do the usual Saturday chores and ended up meeting a friend for coffee, someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression for many years, this time being the worse. As I sat and listened to her talk about how she was feeling, she strung a note with me.

‘I am tired of fighting this, if I feel down, I feel down, that’s just the way it is so I have decided to accept it, I no longer want to pretend everything is ok. One day it will be and when I feel I want to do something about it, I will but until that day, I will just feel how I feel’

I try so hard to fix how I am feeling, I beat myself up about it looking for solutions but the truth is, sometimes, there aren’t any, so what she said made complete sense. Weirdly enough as I came home and thought about it, I already felt better, I had a little cry and then I just was, I even baked!

It does really come down to how you are feeling inside and only you can make yourself feel better and if you can’t then thats fine, just accept it and be true to yourself! All these motivational videos are great and they do motivate but they also force you to be positive when sometimes it just isn’t that easy. The people in them have been through their struggles and come out the other end but there is also no guarantee they won’t still have sad days, not everyday is going to be great but a new day will come and that you know for sure.

Today I also did something else different, I made the voice in my head be a more understanding one, it is usually quite harsh, its a real fighter, always looking for answers but would you choose to be friends with someone who is harsh? who always asks you why? who constantly fights with you? because I know I wouldn’t in fact I think I would try my hardest to stay away from that kind of person, so why am I inviting it into my life? I feel like you need so many mechanisms to help you get through the days and although not all of them work, I am so grateful to be seeking them, I am grateful they exist, from meditation to  motivational speeches to positive affirmations, all available to help you get through the dark days. It can be really overwhelming but I am so determined to find my way that I won’t stop trying and that I am also grateful for.

Dealing with grief

I am usually the kind of person who avoids dealing with grief and sadness, its like its not ok to be sad but today I decided to try a different approach and this is how it worked.

So, I woke up today as normal, did my routine of meditation, gratitude, motivational video and breakfast but then I switched on my phone and up popped memories from 2008, a video of a dinner date with a friend I no longer speaker and there it was, this feeling of sadness. Now let me explain, it wasn’t like we fought or had an bad blood, unfortunately circumstances were that we were no longer allowed to be friends, it was more his choice than mine, well actually the truth is, he didn’t have much choice either, more of an ultimatum. When you love someone, you respect their choices and you just want them to be happy so you let them go. Now this video bought back really happy memories but also sad ones because if I have to be honest with myself, I miss him dearly. The whole day I managed to block it out, stayed busy and focussed at work but as the clock got closer to 5pm, that sadness just flooded me again. As I reached home, I made a decision not to avoid this sadness but to face it head on, today I was going to feel sad, I was going to flood myself with the emotion of sadness and I was going to mourn my friendship and thats exactly what I did, I even shed a few tears, I wrote down what I was feeling and I even realised that although we don’t have each other, all I can hope is that he is as happy as me because thats really what I needed to remember, if he didn’t know he was going to be happy, I am 100% sure he wouldn’t have ended our friendship. I also had to remind myself that I am extremely fortunate to still have many wonderful friendships and that I am grateful for.

The really positive thing about accepting my emotions today, is that I feel a little more healed, we often block out how we are feeling, we try to ignore it and push it away, only for it to come back when we least expect it but actually sometimes, we just need to accept it and thats what I did today and I actually feel better for it. To look it from another point of view, if you look at the bigger picture, it is just one small relationship and we meet new people all the time and some stay and others go because that’s life, not everyone will be part of your destiny.