When your really excited about something, its natural to want others to be as excited and it can be really disheartening when they don’t share your enthusiasm but you shouldn’t take it personal because everyone is different. I am learning to accept this, I want so desperately for people to be where I am but how can they when they are not me. This is my journey and my story, this isn’t about others and that’s something really important to remember an appreciate. The problem is, so much of who we are is based on how others see us, we get attached to this need for approval from others, we depend on it to define who we are which is so wrong. You don’t need anyones approval because the only person who can make you happy, give you approval, complete you, make you feel worthy, love you, need you, help you get over your fears…is YOU. You are the answer to everything you want. In some ways, this idea gives you peace although its a hard one to get your head around and accept, if you can learn to accept it, then how others react to your exciting news will never effect you. Now isn’t that the dream?
I was already a fan of Jada Pinkett-Smith after she did her interview with her mother and daughter and spoke about how important it is to take care of yourself (You must Youtube it if you haven’t already watched it), anyway, I heard about the Red Table Talks on the Radio last week and thought I would check it out, so far i have really liked what I have heard, I find the talks really pure and honest and authentic and it makes me feel like others out there can relate. Soooo…I thought I would share this with you too. Have a watch here. Let me know your thoughts. I particularly liked the Surviving Loss Q & A!
I listen to a lot of meditations, I am particularly fond of the ones by the Brahma Kumaris in their series called Release your wings. On listening to one this morning, something really prolific dawned on me.
For the last few months I have been feeling at times, like a big cloud of darkness has shone over me, nothing major was causing this and its more of a feeling of deep sadness that has hovered over me, initially I tried to ‘fix’ it by listening to positive & motivational talks but I realised although I felt generally a lot better, my whole happiness was becoming dependent on these talks and what I really needed to be doing, was finding the happiness from myself and not from external sources because the problem is if your internal happiness purely dependent on external sources, your internal world will never benefit from the happiness on its own. This idea is really important to me and I have been really trying to focus more on feeling better inside. Anyway, I digress, the point I was trying to make is, if we are light then when we look inside we will always be light but the darkness comes when you spend too much time looking outside. The way I see it is light is spirit and darkness is ego. Light is the being and darkness is the human. So the simple solution to bring more lightness into your life is to spend more time with your spirit and this means more meditation, more reflection and asking more questions.
Last week was a real week of ups and downs, I believe very much triggered by hormones. Anyway, I found myself waking up feeling quite down, then I saw a friend and felt better but the next day, there I was, feeling down again and then it was my husband who cheered me up but on the third day, that feeling returned and this time I decided to really look at myself and what started out as a few words led to pages and pages, the more I wrote, the better I felt and the ‘better feeling’ continued, the point is, instead of relying on others to make you happy what we really need to be doing is rely on ourselves. The thing is, I know as big changes come my way in the next few months, I will have to go inside a lot more, taking a lot more care of myself. I am sure I will be sharing a lot more here as a result, so watch this space….
Negativity has effected me a lot in recent years, I feel I have become more susceptible to it which means I focus on it a lot, now I don’t remember this being such a big deal to me when I was younger so where has this come from? This has been on my mind a lot, talking to my spiritual life coach a few weeks ago, she pointed out that the reason why some traits effect you so much is because actually they are within you. I thought about this, I thought am I negative and on reflection, I realised I have been telling myself many many negative stories in recent years and if I think about where they come from, it is all based on fears. I have become so scared of things when actually I have absolutely nothing to fear. In my younger years, I had this deep unsaid belief, it kept me positive and happy but things happen in your life that lead you to question and I think a massive part of the fears I have comes from loosing faith. I can even pinpoint the time when I first realised I lost my faith, it came from things not working out like I planned, this is part of the reason why I fear making plans (another fear), the thing is, when you loose faith/belief, getting it back is a real journey, you have to keep going inwards but the thing about when I lost it, what I realised is, the faith wasn’t actually based on anything in the first place. In those days, I used to just accept everything that was told to me and I just believed it, so when it went and had to bring it back, I didn’t actually know where to go to find it again, so in some ways, I had to start from scratch. Building foundations and re-educating myself about the basics but instead of turning to religion, like I had before, a lot of those answers actually came from spirituality and the very simple concepts that we are all souls, we are all light, we are all energy, our true nature is peace, love and joy and these are always there within us, we can stay connected to ourselves through meditation, the universe will guide us if we just trust it so on and so forth. Now I am still working on finding myself but I feel more confident that this time its a lot more real, it makes more sense and feels more authentic.
Can you relate to any of this? What negative stories are you telling yourself?
We are so quick to spend money on expensive brands, I have heard my sister say ‘Oh that £1000 channel bag I bought is an investment’ and I myself have done and thought the same. But what I haven’t ever done is invest in my own brand, invest in my inner self, invest in my soul.
Money to me in very precious and it often takes a long time for me to spend it, questioning if I should or shouldn’t and sometimes deciding the latter because I feel like I can do without. Like what I am spending on isn’t worth it, what I have realised is the only time I will spend freely is if it gives me a deep and memorable experience, if it is something tangible, that I will be able to hold close to me forever, this means at time, I have missed out. This delicate relationship with money and the need to hold back stems from a scary childhood experience, this experience has never left me and is now the reason I feel the need to always save, have a pot just in case and at time won’t spend freely – now thats a whole different issue I need to work on.
Anyway the point is, if we can invest in luxuries like handbags, clothes and even meals out, why can’t we invest in ourselves? Why can’t we spend money on improving our inner selves, our spiritual selves and not feel bad about it, isn’t this something that will remain close to our heart, something that will stay with us forever, the answer is a very big YES, so why don’t you invest in yourself, in your inner self, get some help, get some guidance and even if you have you have to pay for it, aren’t you worth it?
There was a time when I couldn’t be on my own, I would always need to be around people, doing things with friends and family but over the years, I learnt slowly by slowly to start enjoying doing things on my own which was a massive achievement for me. However after moving city, I realised, this is not actually being alone. Being alone is being able to be in your own company day in and day out when there is nothing else going on and no one else around. What’s made me reflect on this? My journey to work! My journey to work used to involve sitting on a train surrounded by people, some happy, some sad, some totally oblivious but there was still some human interaction. My journey to work now involves a 40 minute drive on my own, surrounded by my own thoughts, feelings and emotions. This has made me realise even more how important it is to be ok with being alone and accepting yourself because if you can’t be in a good place at this point, it impacts everything. I have spent so much time surrounding myself with people that I have never really realised what its like to surround myself with myself. That’s a massive realisation! And it’s taken time to settle into this idea and I can’t lie by saying its always easy, I am fortunate to have a beautiful scenic smooth drive but there may be a time when I am not so lucky and that is why I feel it so important to be happy within myself, not rely on anyone else to contribute to this, something I am working on consistently. It forces me to go within a lot, ask how I am feeling and why, to be honest, it take a lot of work and I think its is well over due.
Its funny, I feel like this light bulb moment has only come about because I am more aware of myself and because of the big change in my life. They say change is good and actually, I feel if I can get this right, if I can learn to just be and be happy with who I am, it’ll have a positive effect on each area of my life, so as always, I will keep persevering.
Do you enjoy being in your own company? Can you be alone on your own? If not, why not?
I have been really trying to reflect more and yesterday, it dawned on me that many times in my life when I should have been welcoming amazing things that the universe sent me, instead I didn’t think I was worthy of them, so I pushed them away. I asked myself why I felt this way and I honestly have no idea but as always, it must have stemmed from past experiences. Its so sad how experiences stop us from living a great life. ‘I am enough’, ‘I am worthy’ are 2 things I am trying to tell myself daily but its hard to tell yourself something when for so long you haven’t truly believed it but I am determined, determined not to push good things away anymore, determined to attract things to me that I truly deserve. I wish there was a place you could go to and delete all the negative past experiences that have conditioned your behaviour, thoughts and feelings but then I guess its those experiences, positive or negative that have actually helped to get me here today and that I must be grateful for.